How to end the fighting…

“You’re annoying me!” 

 “I was first!”  “No you weren’t!” 

 “YOU made me!”

With four boys, conflict is a given.

I remember gritting my teeth and marching into those rooms. There they’d be, hands on hips (or on each other), locked in a standstill. 

And they’d look at me. Or they’d ignore me and continue until I yelled for them to cut it out (not my finest parenting).

For many of the younger years, I would jump in and solve. I’d give solutions.

Or did I?

I’d get them to stop, yes. 

But someone would feel like they won, or - even more often - they’d both stomp off mad and nothing was truly resolved.

I remember one day hearing them start up and thinking, “When is this ever going to STOP?”

And then I realized something. I had created a pattern. They actually NEEDED me to come in and intervene. They hadn’t learned to manage disagreement themselves.

I can’t even remember where I heard it, but there are two questions I have used ever since then that have CHANGED EVERYTHING.

The next time they fought, I asked them: “Is it more important to be RIGHT? Or is the RELATIONSHIP with your brother more important?”

They paused, looked at me, and blinked. They hadn’t expected that.

I told them that this was a new way we were going to think. When we make choices, we need to prioritize. When is it important to be right in a situation? When is it more important to take care of the person and who they are in our lives?

I’d love to say that stopped all the fighting, but it didn’t. 

It did, however, change their tone, how often they got into it, and the words they used with each other.

And you know what? It changed ME. I started thinking about conflicts in my life and asked MYSELF those same questions. It changed the way I talked to THEM too.

The other day my 23 year old and I were hanging out on the patio and he hit me with the following: “You know mom, something you always said when we were growing up…”

I held my breath, wondering what was coming next.

“You taught us to be people who think, not just argue our point. Considering the relationship gives the space to listen, to acknowledge the other person, and to consider how we might approach them.”

I smiled, glad that’s a takeaway.

So in this busy Christmas season, try it out. It may solve a few spats…and better yet, it will teach them how to prioritize people.