The Halloween Event that Scared me into thinking…

Halloween at my house isn’t a swirling dervish of kiddos in costumes and pillowcases of candy anymore. It’s a quieter event. I hand out candy, cooing over the little ones whose ages and stages are ones I miss.

This year, I was startled by something new. Surprised, maybe shocked…bordering frightened.

A pirate, about 10ish, came up, palms outstretched. “Trick or treat!” he chimed. 

I reached in the bowl, and then I paused.

“Where’s your bag?” I queried. 

“Oh, my mom is at the end of the driveway, and she is carrying it for me,” he said..

HUH. The Earth below my feet tilted a little.

I handed him the candy, he bounced down the walkway, and I shut the door. 

The world still hadn’t righted itself in my mind. I’d seen plenty of parents assisting little ones 4 and under do that. Why was this different?

As I stood in my entryway, my brain tried to make sense of what had just transpired. I thought, “What in the world?” Halloween has to be the most self motivating event in the world for kids to carry their bag. He was older, had a costume that allowed him free movement, yet he wasn’t. Mom was carrying his bag.

As neuroscience tells us, connections are important to make sense of new information. I registered another reality I have seen: the my-parent-carries-my-backpack-for-me habit.

OH. That’s what I was seeing. 

But then I did something I wish I hadn’t. I judged.

I thought, “This is another example of parents doing something for their kids just because it’s easier!” “This kid is totally capable, and this parent is doing FOR rather than teaching them to do it for themselves!” “This kid probably whined and complained and the parent just said, ‘Here, I’ll carry it.’”

Ugly thoughts on my part. I know.

But then I paused. 

When I catch myself or feel like judging, I coach myself with some self talk. I switch to a curious stance like this: “I NOTICE _____________. I WONDER____________.” For example, “I notice he isn’t carrying his bag. I wonder if there’s a situation I can’t see – like the bag is falling apart – that explains why he isn’t able to?” 

Then I did even bigger work. I took a look at myself as a parent.

I didn’t carry my kids bag at Halloween, but what DID I do for my kiddos that they could have done for themselves? What am I still doing that “carries their bag” when they are fully capable and could be learning for themselves?

OUCH.

I firmly believe (and have evidence in my parenting, teaching, and all the freaking research I constantly read) that children need a gradual release of responsibility. They need to do things - developmentally appropriate - for themselves. This causes discomfort for both kids and parents for different reasons. We’re learning to trust them…they’re learning to simply do whatever skill it is that someday they truly will have to do for themselves. Bigger than that…they are learning to trust themselves to do big work AND learning whether WE trust THEM to be able to do it or not. 

Having them do things independently won’t go as smoothly like we would do it. It often takes more time. We often have to support failures through encouragement, information, and suggestions. But as they grow those literal and figurative muscles, they will not only be stronger and more capable, they will believe and feel more confident in themselves. And it will get smoother.

Friends, I am on this journey with you. The way we “carry those bags” for our kids looks different in each of us. I’m going to continue looking at my “doing” as a parent with that frame of reference.

So who’s with me? First off, if it’s bodily possible, have your kid carry their own Halloween bag. And two, with me, keep asking yourself the question, “How am I “carrying the bag” when they could?”

Take the long view – eventually, they’ll need to be able to carry THEIR two-year-old’s bag…