Hi. I’m Jewellyn, an imperfect parent.

Over Thanksgiving I had coffee with a friend. She’s got younger kids, and she was going through the litany of things she had going on for the holidays, and how frazzled she was feeling about the whole thing.

“You’re so lucky your kids are so independent now,” she lamented. “I still feel like I am making a million decisions and don’t ever know the RIGHT thing to do.”

I smiled, thinking about that last part. The RIGHT thing? Damn. I don’t know the RIGHT thing to do as a parent. And, I might add, the independent part in raising kids is actually still hard.

Go back to my title. I think I used to say that was hard for me to admit, but no longer. I know the truth about myself - there’s no faking it.

Parenting has cut me to the core. It’s been the hardest, most humbling journey of my life. But it’s also SO awesome and makes me so happy at the same time.

I hear a lot as an educator from parents wanting to know exactly what to DO. How can we make sure they____?  Do we______? Should we ________? How long? What program?

We are all looking for the best way to do things, worried that we will mess up. The last thing we want to do is screw up our kids. But that’s parenting with fear.

Am I just saying I’m ok with being a “sucky parent?” NO. Not at all.

 I have found an approach that works for me, and I have no illusions that it’s the perfect way. I’d love to share with you to see if we can start a conversation. I need support, and I’d love to support you.

At one point in my life I was juggling twins and a 2 ½ year old - trying to make sure they were clothed, fed, at school on time - being a wife, plus teach full time so that we could keep the kids in those schools, live in that neighborhood, live that life. My mental and physical well being was in shambles (but it may not have looked like it on the outside).

I COULDN’T do it all.

I had to give up managing everything for my kids. I was forced to. It wasn’t physically possible.

I had to change. I began by examining my WHY.

Not the why to my behavior…my why to parenting. 

Who do I want to raise? What do I value? 

Naming it helped. I wrote it down.

•  I want kids who grew into adults who could handle ups and downs on their own. I want them to be capable. 

• I want them to be loving and have healthy, happy relationships. I want them to be compassionate.

• I want them to be successful. I had to examine that one deeper. What did that mean? Lifestyle? Economics? Honestly, for me, it meant they were who THEY were designed to be - people who made a them-shaped dent in the world.

After I put it down, I was even more intimidated. I honestly walked away from that list for a while. It’s hard enough for me to make New Year’s Resolutions and follow through…and those were things like, “Read every day to your kids.” 

How the F++K was I going to raise kids like that?

But then I started to think about the list throughout my day.

When three kids under three were having temper tantrums because they wanted candy in the checkout line at Target, I thought about what to do in that moment that would build towards my long-range view.

 It was SO freeing! Instead of worrying about what others were thinking and/or how they were feeling about my decisions (God forgive me for thinking my kids were going to be damaged if I didn’t get them another pack of stupid gum), I PRIORITIZED my goals. 

When one of them misused their phone and bullied a teammate online, I managed my feelings, actions, thoughts and worries in a way that built towards that long range view. 

When the high school grades slipped and slid all over the place and I knew he was limiting his college choice, I operated with the long range view.

I could say yes or no, I could choose my tone, I could sort through my words…with my values in mind. I wasn’t caught up in the minutia, even though parenting is a billion different little decisions that come together as an approach.

And I could be intentional with that.

It’s been interesting to see how at each developmental level my goals have led me to really look at ways to turn things over to them. To empower, rather than control.

I have shared my goals with them. Having them understand that has only strengthened our relationship. They may not agree with my parenting choices, but they know where I am coming from.  We’re not friends. But we have this really cool parent/kid thing going on.

My kids will be the first to tell you that I’m not perfect, and they’d want it no other way. There’s only “I’m trying my best and I love you.” 

I’d love for you to meet my kids, by the way - we are always a work in progress, but I am confident that THEY are on their way to be those beautiful adults. I’m SO lucky to be a part of THEIR journey.