The last word or the relationship?
At my house, lots of sibling drama starts in our kids’ shared bathroom. It might be a little squabble like which brother forgot to hang up the shower mat. Or it’s the bigger issue of one brother not considering that the other was about to take a shower so it would have been nice to choose an alternate spot for quality time on the throne. The bathroom is definitely a hot spot, a breeding ground for sibling conflict…and that’s messy work that I wouldn’t change for the world.
We’ve learned to lean into conflict around here. Meaningful relationships include disagreement and our kids need to build tools for managing conflict in healthy, productive ways. And while it literally hurts my soul sometimes to hear voices and tempers escalating, it also melts my heart when kids work through conflicts and come out stronger. A wide range of feelings have an important place in our family’s emotional culture. And our kids can only get better at finding compromise, taking turns, or letting go of minor issues when they are given space to practice.
My two are bigger now, and they’ve had some years to build their skills. So have I! At first, my go-to solution when my kids started arguing was to solve it for them. That allowed everyone to quickly move on and get back to more peaceful, relaxing playtime. Or I’d tell everyone to separate and calm down so that whatever toy they weren’t sharing was forgotten and peace was restored. Even better, we bought just about everything in multiples so that each kid could have their own and everything was fair and equal. While none of these approaches to sibling conflict are inherently wrong, I wasn’t really equipping or empowering my kids to manage conflicts. Really, I was sending the message to my kids that they couldn’t solve problems for themselves.
Now we have some go-to strategies for navigating disagreements respectfully and our kids have become gradually more independent. One of those strategies is a mantra that’s pretty much on repeat around our house. It’s simple, but it helps on every level of conflict. And while many arguments start with a my-way-or-the-highway mentality, this question immediately shifts the dynamic: Is it more important to be right? Or is our relationship ultimately the bigger value here? The last word or the relationship – what’s actually more important?
Suddenly being right about the shower mat is not the main focus, and everyone’s words are more respectful and intentional. We may not agree and that’s okay. Our goal is not to be right, but to manage the disagreement in ways that show we still care about the other person.
Shifting to more respectful, productive disagreement also means that we often don’t even try to talk through conflict when either person is really mad. The first step is always to notice and manage those big feelings in healthy ways. This could be as simple as taking a few calming breaths or it could be that one person needs to go play basketball for a while before they’re ready to talk through a prickly situation. It’s okay that our kids want to take some time, especially when they let their sibling know, “I need a break and I’ll be back in 30 minutes to talk.”
Once each person is ready to talk, there are some specifics that help set everyone up for success, and eye contact is a big one. When our kids make eye contact with each other, they’re more likely to really focus on each other and to consider the other person’s point of view. Sustained eye contact may also lighten the mood and get the kids to laugh a little…which diffuses tension even further. When kids are new to working through conflict together, we often support the conversation and ask, “What’s more important here? Using the toy first or taking care of each other?”
Know what else always matters, no matter our kids' age? They’re watching us. As caregivers, conflict is inevitable. Disagree respectfully and let the kids hear how you work through minor disagreements. And when big, loud, arguments happen because they do…just make sure the kids hear the words you use to repair your relationship, too. In many ways, repair is the ultimate way to value our relationships over having the last word. And it's true that our kids learn much more from watching us and how we navigate relationships than from what we tell them to do in theirs.
