Only the Smart Kids

We’d just gotten home from school and one of my boys was telling me about his day, mentioning that he’s got a math assignment to finish. I’m thinking, yes! He’s building so much responsibility and prioritizing tasks now that he’s home. He’s really adjusting to expectations this year - this is good! My inner cheerleader mom moment is interrupted by the next words out of his mouth: “Yeah, only the smart kids finished in class.” 

I froze. Literally just froze.

I’ve done it myself - I’ve said thousands of times to kids, including my own, “You’re so smart!” and hoped that I was somehow encouraging their intelligence by praising them. I just didn’t know. 

Now I challenge those messages. When my kids get an “A”, I don’t immediately praise their intelligence. That can lead kids to think that they were just born smart and that their academic success was more about luck than about other factors that they can control. 

Control…that’s an interesting twist on smart. If being smart is just a matter of luck, then there’s not much that kids can do to increase their luck. It just kind of happens. And what if kids don’t earn an A? Does that mean they’re not smart anymore? I’ve seen this in my classrooms, too…kids who define themselves as “smart” and then shut down when they make a mistake or earn a poor grade. In the research, this is known as a fixed mindset and it’s a tough road for kids to walk. 

The flip side of a fixed mindset is a growth mindset. That’s a big deal. When kids cultivate a growth mindset, they build a set of thinking patterns and an inner coach that helps them connect their effort with their ability. It’s a game changer when kids equate learning and intelligence with their own choices of how much effort to put forth. 

You can control your effort. In school and in learning, more effort typically leads to more ability. There are nuances to this statement, we hear you. But this is a powerful starting place. So if we’re not telling our kids, “You’re so smart!” then what might we say instead?

Well, that day after school I told my kid, “Hold on. Remember that smart is not the same as fast. In fact, deep thinking often takes time.” Especially in math, we often equate speed with intelligence. We want kids to know that deep thinking is important to learning and understanding. As an educator, I want my students to spend most of their time working hard to understand ideas for themselves and not just quickly performing to show ideas they already know. If our classrooms are more about speed or performing what we already know, we are limiting our learners. 

I’ve also told kids, “Your brain has billions of cells called neurons, but they don’t just stay the same. They grow every time you challenge yourself, figure out something new, and even when you make a mistake because you tried something tough. Scientists call this neuroplasticity.”

Now my heart lifts when I hear a student say, “This is tough, but my brain is growing.” And while my own two kids have a fixed mindset moment here and there, I also hear, “I can’t remember all of these anatomy terms yet,” and I smile. I know my kids have high expectations of themselves that they’ll get there and know that effort determines abilities.

When our kids have their own inner coach that champions their effort, they see beyond “smart” or “not smart”. They carry a belief in themselves that we can’t give to our kids. Their effort is an investment and the payoff is big - our kids’ capability and confidence in themselves.