Three Things.
We all want our kids to grow. How do we expand their skill sets? Where do I jump in and where do I stay hands off? I have three guidelines, and they apply to any age and stage.
Let them do what they can do independently.
Give them chances to do with you what they can’t quite do alone just yet.
Model for them what they can’t do.
Here’s how that played out (and continues to) in my life:
Toddler Forrest:
They can put away toys. It may not happen as quickly as I want it at times, but I need to LET them. They will get better at it with independent practice.
They can’t quite completely dress themselves. We do together. They stand at the dresser and pick out the clothes. We discuss the weather, occasion, and choices. I talk aloud as I work with shoelaces, describing what I am doing. They have a say, and I am giving guidance. I give them opportunities to button, snap, and tie.
They can’t independently regulate their emotions well yet (dang tantrums). It’s my job to model calmness, both when they are experiencing big emotions and when I am experiencing big emotions (sometimes those are related 🙂). In addition, I model how to repair/restore/reflect when I haven’t handled it well.
Elementary School Forrest - At this stage, guess what? The things they did at Toddler stage they still do…and now the things they couldn’t quite do or couldn’t do have shifted! In this stage, they are dressing themselves (LET THEM!) and doing a better job of regulating their emotions (DO TOGETHER) and we now add…
They can pack and unpack their backpack. LET them have ownership of it. I actually ASK them if I want to look for something in their backpack, and in doing so, I’m the guest and they are the one with the rights and responsibilities to them. The night before, they review what they need with a checklist they create and choose a place to put it so it will be convenient in the morning. Yes, they forget things sometimes, and I DON’T run those up to school. In forgetting, they learn the not-so-pleasant feelings and results of not remembering everything. And guess what? They double check the next time to make sure they have everything.
They can’t quite plan their time. They over and underestimate how long it takes to do things. So we sit and plan together. We determine what needs to be done and how much time is available. I ask them to predict how long they think it will take and provide information if they’re really off. “You usually take about…so if you are faster than that, you may be rushing…” Chores, homework, sports or music practice are all great ways to start understanding how long things take to do and how to make time enough for them.
They can’t independently get themselves from place to place. It’s my job to model how we give and take for each other. I am not Uber, and it’s ok for me to say, “Hey, I can’t take you. I’m prioritizing something for (myself, your sibling, your dad) and it’s ok for you to give them a turn with my attention.” This builds perspective taking and empathy.
High School/College Forrest (I’m lumping these together because it goes with my 3 theme and I’m currently in this stage all the way around) Again, notice how at this stage the things they couldn't quite do become what they can do independently, and they are beginning to work together with you on what they couldn’t do. Time to add…
They can monitor their own grades. I know. It’s hard when it’s this stage. Remember, this is the part THEY CAN DO. Sit down and ask them what their goals for learning are. Have them write those down and refer to them often.
They can’t quite live on their own. Budgeting, cooking, cleaning…we do LOTS of this together. They ask lots of questions, make lots of mistakes, and we provide that safety net as they are getting better at taking care of these important life skills.
They can’t live without connecting with others. It’s my job to model how I create a network of people around me who I can trust. These aren’t just my cheerleaders, they are people who push me and call me out when needed. My kids need to watch me communicate, work through conflict, and gather information when I am stuck.
I’ll admit, these guidelines get bent at times. That’s ok. It’s helpful to have them and the fact that I’ve thought them through makes it easier to actually follow through.
I’d love to hear your thoughts…what do you let your kids do? What do you do together? What are you modeling for them that they will do later?
