Moving from “I can’t!” to “I can…and want to do it myself!”

As soon as all papers have been distributed I begin circulating the room. Immediately, Zack’s head is already on a desk. I head that direction and get eye level with his dark hair.  “Hey Zack, what’s going on?” I ask curiously. “I can’t,” he responds flatly. 

“Hey Ben, grab your backpack. It’s time to go,” I tell my 7 year old.  “Mom, can you? It’s SOOOOO heavy,” he pleads.

Ah kids. The old adage, “I’d be rich if I had a dime for every time I heard…” is true for me as a mom and an educator for sure. I’m sure you’ve heard flavors of that from your own children and students.

The lack of motivation results in stress, anxiety, and learned helplessness, which feeds our own fear of their capabilities. That fear might lead us to jump in and try to fix, cover up, or smooth the road…which sends the message that: 1. The kids don’t have to do the work, we will. 2. We really do doubt they can do it themselves.

Initiative, drive, motivation, confidence. These are all part of an internal toolkit we want our kids to have. We want them to move from, “I can’t,” to “I can.”

So how do we get there? Again, it’s important to realize that we can’t build it for them or give it to them. This is a toolkit they need to develop themselves. 

Think about Zack and Ben above. One has the mindset that he isn’t capable, the other is expressing “I can’t” laced with “I don’t want to.” Their inner dialogue sets them in a place where they don’t see themselves as an active part of the solution.

That can change.

Do I have control over my kids? No. They choose their thoughts, words, and actions. I do, however, have control over MY thoughts, words, and actions.

That’s the key that unlocks their self-motivation. Our words and actions can help our kids to flip the script in their heads so THEY believe they are capable.

Instead of, “Hey Zack, come to my desk, I’ll help you,” my first words might be, “I hear you that this feels hard and that’s ok. I see you have your pencil and paper. Give number one a try and I’ll swing by in two minutes so you can share your progress.” I’m acknowledging his feelings and giving a gentle nudge for him to spearhead. Over time, that expression of believing in him and giving him space to wrestle while still providing support will pay off in his effort. His efforts will bring more and more success, which he can own completely.

With Ben, instead of picking up the backpack, I need to remember that it’s good to give him responsibility and build in that he IS capable of doing what he doesn’t find fun or comfortable. I can respond with, “I hear you, You do a great job of taking care of your own things when you’re at a friend’s house. How will you show responsibility here too?” Yes, I got the rolling eyes and “But mom!” for a while, but Ben did pick up the backpack and he now carries it proudly, independently, at college. 🙂

Shifting how we respond in these teachable moments. It will take time. Be patient. But the payoff will be our kids’ long-term success.