Build the Muscles
The new school year honeymoon ends by about week three or four, right? One of my boys has somehow already gone through an entire 36-pack of mechanical pencils and my high schooler’s backpack just ripped from the sheer weight of all that he carries to and from school daily. I’m starting to get those fun email notifications that assignments are missing or that there’s a grade below 80. You know the ones…
I watch my middle schooler rifle through his folder with easily 30 papers stuffed haphazardly inside and I literally have to put my hands in my jean pockets. While my type A heart would love to organize those papers into a folder for each subject or at least make sure they’re all facing the same way for him, that’s not what my kid needs right now. He’s managing all the new and building epic executive functioning muscles along the way. We can think of executive functioning skills as an air traffic control system at a busy airport, managing arrivals and departures across multiple runways. For us, the skill set includes prioritizing tasks, managing distractions, setting and achieving goals, and managing impulses. These are not skills that kids are born with and the step up that comes with a new school year is an opportunity to strengthen those muscles.
As parents, that’s part of what we can give kids…the gift of time and space to grow their own executive functioning capabilities. What does that look like? I literally put my hands in my pockets and walked away so that my kid could organize and prioritize for himself. I stepped back so he could develop a system that worked for him. His systems typically don’t look anything like mine would, but they work for him and they are a concrete reminder to both of us that he is learning to function in the world with less and less support from me. That’s actually my main job as his parent…to make it so he eventually doesn’t need me right there and is ready to be his own independent person in the world.
Some of the growth comes with learning communication styles for eight new teachers. How comfortable do my boys feel with each new personality and what’s the learning climate in their classroom? For some teachers, my boys feel immediately comfortable asking questions and fostering a one-on-one connection. With others, I hear that “she doesn’t like when I ask questions'' or “there’s no time for me to ask that.” And I know that my kids will build stronger self-advocacy muscles with that teacher. We may practice at home, so my kid is ready with words to use when they’re uncomfortable with speaking up. I will listen and I will ask if they’d like advice. Sometimes they do and other times, they say, “No, I’ve got it Mom.”
Some of the growth comes with keeping track of assignments. When a teacher announces an upcoming quiz or assignment due date, what does your kid do with that information? There are so many routines that work well, but they DO need a routine for this situation. Some kids immediately write the assignment in a notebook – that’s a great start! What do they do next? Does the notebook get closed and put in a locker? Do they immediately put a reminder in their phone? Do they like to rock an old-school planner and color-code each subject? The more your kid develops and refines their own system over time, the more those executive functioning muscles grow and your kid builds confidence in their own abilities.
Some of the growth comes with study skills. What does it actually look like when your kid is studying or completing homework? Many kids focus on just completion, which is a good place to start. So much of our grading system is simply built on responsibly delivering assignments between home and school, so let’s celebrate when our kids do the work without us hovering. But then let’s take it a crucial step further. If your kid is in middle or high school and they’re still focused on just task completion, they need to more actively self-monitor understanding too. When learning doesn’t make sense or they’re not remembering content beyond the next day’s quiz, they need to take action. Next steps might be slowing down while working, asking more questions in class, going to advisory periods designed for reteach opportunities, or actually using those notes from class as a homework resource. When your kid knows the content well from day-to-day, then those upcoming tests or quizzes aren’t overwhelming. This is a huge life lesson in doing what’s less comfortable in the moment so your future self is set up for success. Most kids actually love that idea of their future self benefiting from their intentional work up front. That little delayed gratification…that’s building executive functioning muscles too.
What’s my role? I typically try to ask more questions and give fewer directions. So I might say, “I see you’re putting all of your papers in this folder. How’s that working so far?” If my kid says, “It’s good!” then I will move on with my life because he’s got other priorities at the moment. If he says, “I just can’t get my stuff out of my locker in time for my next class,” then I might ask him to tell me more. This is an opportunity to support more closely because it’s not my observation, but HIS feeling that something needs to change. I’ll actively listen and point out what he’s already doing that’s working well. When we start from areas of strength, our kids are more likely to open themselves to further growth. I’ll listen to the mistakes he’s made and help to frame those mistakes as informative, rather than epic setbacks. I’ll also express confidence in his ability to figure out a locker system that works for him. And I’ll take his lead on how much support he actually needs from me or if he really just wanted space to think things through for himself.
