Let them take the wheel.

Last night, one of my drivers called around 8, "Hey mom, I'm ok, but..."

Oh the dreaded "but" on the phone. It's the rush of adrenaline uppercut/out of my control combination punch.

Turns out he was in a fender bender. No one hurt, cars with minimal damage. Scott and I are thankful.

An accident, a mistake. However much unintended, it still happened and needs to be dealt with. How we -- as parents -- deal with this matters.

I could just pay for it and "take care of it" for him. But I have learned that it's less about "taking care" of things for our kids and more about our children leaning into the learning from the event.

My parenting muscles will grow here too. It takes everything within me not to jump in and make everything, or make him feel, "better."

Pause.

This pretty much sums up parenting from Day One. I just birthed a being that is not me anymore. I'm simply under an illusion of control if I think I have any.

Children hand us those moments constantly. The toddler goes boneless in the middle of the store...their effort at school is earning less than stellar results...they gave you one version of a story and conveniently left out their part, and now you're sitting with another participant in the event and a new side is coming out...

Kids have this way of keeping us humble.

Just when I think things are on an even keel...something hits the fan (with four kids, that's actually almost daily). I have learned to take lots of deep breaths as a parent, lots of learning to respond rather than react. Honestly, there are times too where I crumple into a ball and just need to cry.

In all those moments, I have to do important self talk. "You are raising them to be able to take care of others..." "They need to know how to manage this..." are my go to.

If I manage and intervene, they are merely spectators. If I buy that toddler something to placate, I have avoided the opportunity to teach them how to manage emotions and delay gratification. If I set up a conference with the teacher about grades without my child present, I am missing the biggest part of the puzzle. If I hear one side of the story and set forth to rectify the wrong, I have missed the chance to teach my child they aren't the center of the universe AND all perspectives should be heard before rushing to action (um...that's a biggie and happens with siblings all the time).

When I "fix" things for them, they aren't having to do anything, really. And worse, I have actually subtly given them the message that I don't believe they can handle this.

If I don't give them supportive opportunities to practice problem solving and dealing with things when they fail, how will they be able to do it later when I am not there? (Ok, don't be morbid, I am just planning on them moving out at some point).

I am not advocating that they handle this ALONE. I am there, Scott is there...offering information and reflection. Our kids are learning to navigate, and they need to be given the tools from adults who have a bit more time on the figurative road than they do. But it's not a lecture...it's a conversation, where my child's voice is active. They need to talk about what they are hearing you say, reflecting on choices, and making plans for moving forward. With you.

I didn't start out parenting this way. I have changed...mostly because that control illusion I was talking about earlier was stripped away. It finally sunk in. I needed to parent in a way that celebrated their process, not my ability to keep everything intact.

I have gotten better at this over time, and with each child. And each child is different and will present different challenges, of course.

Finally, by child #4, I had more practice. That was me, the (still aware but ignoring the stares) mom at Target, leaning over a screaming, red-faced two year old, saying calmly, "You heard my answer. No. I can see you are upset, but that's not going to change my decision. You can handle this."

As I got more practice, I notice with the older boys that I was less overwhelmed when they made mistakes. I did less managing and more supporting.

The other magical thing about letting them face a struggle and pull through is the sense of confidence they get. They feel genuinely competent to manage themselves. That's the grounding they will need internally when all of life around them shifts constantly.

My son will work through this. He'll learn -- about failure, grace, and forgiveness. And he will come out stronger for it.

I will keep giving him, and all my kids (including my students) the wheel.